Pre-Op Surgery Anxiety

I haven't blogged since 2013.

A lot has changed since then. 

For starters, in the summer of 2016, we visited my family in South Central Kansas. It was a nice day, so we thought "let's go to the duck park." 

Chris and I went walking around the duck pond, while my mom was watching the girls on the awesome play area.

Chris and I found a nest of duck eggs. I thought the girls would enjoy seeing them. So, we walked back to the park to tell them.

As we were all trying to re-find the eggs, somehow we couldn't locate them, to show the girls.

Instead, my left ankle found a big ole' ducking hole in the ground. 

My ankle inverted inwards, and I fell to the ground like a big sack of potatoes, with all of my weight. (Mind you, in 2016 I was over 200 lbs.) 

I'm in tears 😭, from the pain.
I  boss my  husband to go get the car, because I definitely needed to go to the ER.

My husband. I love ❤️ him to death. 

I was in agonizing pain...so I was not-so-nicely urging him to walk effing faster to get the car.

I swear, it was like a sloth, walking in slow motion. 

He finally brings the car, and we all load up to head to the E.R. 

They took my shoe off and it's already swelling. A. Lot. 

Took an x-ray, gave me something for the pain.

It wasn't broken, thankfully. 

It was a grade II sprain.  

They wrapped it in an compression bandage & air cast.

Discharged me with the following instructions: 

Elevate, ice, take pain meds, non-weight- bearing for a while. 

Follow up with my primary care provider.

I followed up with her, she referred me to a local orthopedic doctor.

He ordered an MRI, it showed I had a split-tear on the lateral side.

He referred me to a foot and ankle orthopedic surgeon (in Wichita.)

This new surgeon, took stress x-rays & was not impressed with the MRI findings.  Meaning, my ankle didn't merit surgery at that time.

He went with a more conservative approach. Custom orthotic in my left shoe, & physical therapy. 

I did both. 

Fast forward to 2019.

My PCP was going over my med list, at a routine check up.

She asked if I was still taking the pain medicine listed in my profile.

I said, "Yes, I am. PRN, as directed. For my ankle pain." 

All the while I was thinking, "Well, duh... YOU'RE the one refilling THAT medicine."

She grew concerned that I was still on that medicine years later, then recommend I follow up with the specialist in Wichita.

I followed up with the Wichita specialist, ASAP.

He ordered an MRI.

We went back to Wichita a week later, for the MRI follow up.

He said my ankle has a lot of inflamation &  fluid built up and swollen.
(It is always swollen & in pain, especially at the end of every day.)

He had me take off my shoes and socks, & asked me to stand up, facing away from him.

He said, you have REALLY high arches. He called it a "deformity." 

My high arches make my stance put all of my weight on the outsides of my feet. 

(Which is the exact place my sprain was located.)

My ankle has NEVER healed. 

Since we have tried conservative approaches, which haven't helped...he said the only next step would be surgery.

A Calcaneal Osteotomy with a Gasrinemus Recession. 

Calcaneal Osteotomy:

The heel bone is cut off horizontally, shifted to the outside (lateral) side of my left ankle, then secured with 2 surgical screws.

Gasrinemus Recession:

The achelies tendon is cut, (higher up on my calf) to give me more range of motion.

After surgery, I will be NWB for 6 weeks.

2 weeks post-op, I will have my soft splint removed, & a fiberglass cast applied. 

After 6 weeks, the doctor will determine if I'm ready for a CAM walking boot. 

If I am, I have to wear the CAM boot for 6-8 more weeks. 

Once that's done, I will need physical therapy.

Sounds fun right?? 

Ugh.

I swear I didn't expect THAT kind of surgery.

I was thinking,.... maybe repair a tendon or ligament.

Anyway. 

He went over the possibility of different risks and complications.

I agreed that the surgery needs to be done. 

I'm tried of being in pain, every time I walk. 

Not to mention, my ankle stability is shot to shit.

If I was on an uneven surface, I'm VERY likely to re-sprain or damage my already jacked up ankle. 

We booked the surgery back in December 2019, for February 18th, 2020.

Well, it's frickin' February NOW!

And, I am freaking the F out!

Soooo many things have happened between booking the surgery, until now. 

I don't have much faith in the communication between the surgeons office and the Surgery Center. 

My anxiety is SKY HIGH.

I lash out at my family, and feel terrible.

Over stupid things...like laundry.

"Why are these jackets on the floor, in the dirty clothes??!! I KNOW you didn't actually wear them.  You just tried them on, then took it off!!"

I'm hastily throwing laundry in the dirty clothes basket, when Chris told me to go "chill out." 

He said he will take care of things.

I said, (in tears) I'm perfectly fine.
I have to make dinner.
ALLLLL of these things need done before my surgery.
This is the LAST weekend before my surgery!

Again, he said, "Go chill out. I've got this."

(I went to our bedroom, laid on the bed, & tears rolled off my face and into my ears.
And, this was the perfect time to type this up.)

Getting my feelings out. Venting.
Is exactly what I need.

I don't deserve him.

I feel undeserving of a lot of things.

I probably need therapy.
Okay fine, "probably" is an understatement.

Fucking anxiety and depression sucks.

Especially if you're "high functioning."

At work, or if you see me out in public, you may think..."Wow. She really has it made.
She has it altogether!"

Well, I'm here to tell you, that I most definitely DO NOT have it altogether.

I'm struggling. Bad. 

I get overwhelmed at work, thinking how I'm going to let everyone down, who might depend on me.

And, make anyone who is covering my position, job even harder....since they have to do their job and mine. Sometimes I cry.

I must say, it's quite difficult to "put on a happy face," when you're struggling.

Fake it, til you make it? 
Eh.  That's easier said than done.

I have a million things going through my mind.

......

More on THAT later.

BTW, I would love if people would check in on me. Anytime from now until...well forever. 🙂

But, especially after surgery. Post op. 

I. NEED. HUMAN. INTERACTION.